The time leading up to Christmas I felt this ache in the pit of my stomach. Part of it was remembering how hard my first holidays were here in Honduras last year and feeling anxious to do something, anything differently for my emotional well-being; and part of it was guilt for even having expectations of grandeur. I shared this reflection on Facebook and Instagram on Dec. 14:
I have to admit that this time of year is hard emotionally for me. Not only do I miss home and traditions I grew up with but on top of that I honestly just resent how big my expectations are of the holidays. My question is, “Why did I grow up expecting SO MUCH out of the Christmas season?”
Working in rural Honduras + hearing stories of my husband’s childhood always gives me good perspective. I’m still learning.
Here is my end-of-the-year reflection:
S I M P L I C I T Y
when thanking the Lord for food on the table is because you’ve experienced days without it. when the concept of a “Christmas list” is completely foreign because the best way you can imagine celebrating the holiday is with a pile of plump tamales and maybe a “new” piece of clothing. when your nostalgia for the season isn’t tied to materialism and you’re actually free to enjoy the holiday whether in abundance or in lack. when you have no expectations of extravagance, no entitlement, and you can find joy in the simple things.
SIMPLICITY: some of us are so rich we can’t afford it.
Here’s wishing you and yours a cozy Christmas season; may we take joy in the simple things.
Then, I saw someone nonchalantly post something on social media while visiting Honduras on a short term mission trip that said, “this is so easy!” referring to missions. So, I wrote a little response to that on Dec. 22 while also realizing that is not a common opinion… I just wanted to address it for anyone who would be naive to think that a short term trip would actually represent the reality of living on the mission field full time:
“Missions is easy”
I recently heard someone say this… while they were on a short term trip. This would be like me babysitting my niece for a day and saying, “parenting is easy!” And all the moms said “amen.” You can’t compare the two.
(This post is less about me and more of an homage to the faithful servants who have been doing this cross-cultural ministry thing for years.)
Missions isn’t easy. Vacationing is easy. Learning a second language well enough to connect at a heart level isn’t easy. Wading the waters of cultural norms and social faux pas and constantly feeling like someone somewhere doesn’t approve or questions your motives isn’t easy.
Living by faith and not having a steady income isn’t easy. Not being understood by those back home for choosing to live this way isn’t easy. Swaying in the tension of feeling inadequate for not having the “success markers” that some people at home have yet feeling painfully fortunate for what you do have… isn’t easy.
Working in an environment with individuals who have suffered from trauma and inferiority complexes isn’t easy. Recognizing and repenting for your own god-complexes isn’t easy. Releasing control of schedules and timelines and comforts and conveniences and sometimes safety isn’t easy.
I’m just getting started at this. God-willing, I’ll have many more good years of service ahead of me. Is the work fulfilling and does it have significant moments of joy along the way? Absolutely. But it’s not easy.
I’ve observed missionaries who have been doing this thing for decades and am always in awe at their quiet diligence. Someone from the states will visit them for a week and be praised for their sacrifice. Short term trips can certainly be noble but… do you know what sacrifices that missionary who’s been on the field for twenty years has made??
I can promise you, she might use any adjective to describe her journey but it wouldn’t be “easy.”
THEN, I found this blog entry that eloquently depicted everything I’ve ever tried to say about living abroad. I’ll quote an excerpt below but read the whole thing here.
MEET ME IN THE MIDDLE
“Most of us try to help needs. Many of us give until it hurts, but it’s never enough. We live in the “Middle”; in between two worlds which contrast themselves in a million different ways. To Americans, we are the missionaries who are always in need and the ones who gave up so much. To many people in our host country, we are the wealthy; the glowing answers to meeting their needs and who just need to give more.
…I thought about taking a picture and posting it. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to document our Christmas morning for either one of my two worlds to either pity or envy.”
I’m a sucker for new years, new seasons, new possibilities, and new beginnings. I’ve been trying to decide my word for the year like many are doing. I have an idea but I can’t get the grammar of it straight. Supposedly it has to be a noun but I just come up with an adjective: UNINHIBITED… basically the opposite of inhibition… confidence? Anyway, that’s what I’m praying for this year. I’m not one of those people who blames everything on the devil but I do recognize his sneaky tactics to get us to feel unqualified, unimportant, and inhibited. So I’m standing up for myself and reclaiming that part of my personality. Here’s a little manifesto I wrote for the new year:
*me watching 2018 leave and not feeling sad about it*
There is no reason to mourn the passing of years. We mourn opportunities missed or loved ones lost, but time moves on. Instead of regretting the past we have to embrace each new day, each new year as a fresh start and a world of possibility.
Starting NOW I can make better decisions. Starting NOW I can break old habits and form new ones. Starting NOW I can get my priorities in order. Starting NOW I can stop beating myself up for things I can’t control and take responsibility for the things I can. Starting NOW I can spend my time and energy on things that actually matter.
There’s no time like the present and that’s a gift too precious to squander.
So, here’s to a productive, happy, and healthy 2019!